There’s a new enemy in town…

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve had just about enough of little black missiles dive bombing me from the air and chasing me through the streets.

I’m talking about magpies. Those beady eyed little bastards that somehow think they have the right to swoop and attack from August through to September, making it so you can’t walk safely through a park without listening for the ruffle of feathers and the beat of demon wings.
I’ve heard those bleeding heart environmentalists say that the birds should be left alone, that they’re just doing what comes naturally to them and we shouldn’t take it personally.

Except that it is personal.

There’s this one magpie that lurks in a tree at the end of my street, just waiting for his chance to swoop me as I walk down to the shops. I’ve tried wearing a hat, I’ve tried wearing sunglasses and I even tried to disguise myself so the damn bird doesn’t know it’s me. But he always does.

It’s come to my attention this year that this is not a random attack. It has been proven that magpies use facial recognition to repeatedly attack the same person. It’s even come out that they know where an individual lives if they want to easily victimise them, so the experts say.

At first I thought I could just wait the bastard out, how long to do these birds live anyway? But he’s there every year like a bad flu, waiting to swoop. Turns out these experts have also found out that magpies can live in the same territory for more than 20 years and can recognise residents in the immediate area easily.

I think it’s fair to say that magpies are the worst kind of neighbour. They’re confrontational, you have to go out of your way to avoid them and there’s little to no chance they’ll invite you ‘round for a cold beer to bury the hatchet.

You’d think the fact that we have small assassins with facial recognition and vendettas hiding out in suburbia would be some cause for alarm for our government. I’m not saying we should get the armed forces involved (unless they force our hand) but I do think this is something we should get a handle on.

Maybe whoever happens to be Prime Minister this week should show some initiative and get this sorted. I don’t pay taxes just for the privilege of not being able to walk out my front door three times a year because there’s a black and white mobster out the front waiting to remove one of my eyes.

We’ve given the magpies too much power and it’s time we took it back.