This summer let’s bring back dirty eating. Sugar never tasted so good.
They say summer bodies are made in winter, but I say that summer bodies are made from the tears and trauma of the people forced to live alongside ‘clean eaters.’
What on earth is a clean eater, you may very well ask? Well, a clean eater is a person who chows down on fruits, vegetables and ‘natural food’ and instead of just consuming said food and, you know, getting on with their lives, they choose to spruik their bizarre diets to anyone who happens to wander into their vicinity.
They also persist in documenting their every meal with a series of rage inducing photos that are mostly green, but will make you see red.
Hashtags with some variation on the theme ‘clean eating’, ‘clean’, ‘summer ready’ and the cringe worthy ‘blessed’ are sure to accompany these photos. Photos that often look like something a garden gnome gnashed up with its blunt rabid teeth and then regurgitated into a mason jar.
Unfortunately, the arrival of summer tends to bring these inane people out of the woodwork. As soon as they feel just the tiniest hint of sunlight on their bony, malnourished bodies, they suddenly lose all sense. Then they begin to wonder out loud how they can enter into a civil partnership with the gnarly kale they just picked up at the farmers market.
It appears that, come summer, nowhere is safe from these fruit worshipping fruit cakes. In fact, their minds have become so warped from the lack of sugar and abundance of mung beans that they’ve decided the best way to live a long and healthy life is to adopt the caveman diet.
You remember those dudes, right? Those nice, slightly hairy, people who inhabited the earth thousands of years ago, hunted animals with their bare hands and lived to the ripe old age of 30?
Sweet choice of role models, guys…
Look, if it pops your corn to eat like an emotionally unstable milk cow, then more power to you, but kindly leave the rest of us out of it. No one wants to hear about your sprout shake, protein balls or the fact that you’ve forgotten what true joy feels like. Most of all, no one wants to hear about it on social media.
I say let’s get back to the good old days of embracing dirty eating.
Remember those amazing primary school days when you were lucky enough to score a meat pie from the tuckshop, and how fulfilled and happy you felt with your life when you slathered it in tomato sauce? Remember what it was like to drink full cream milk, instead of chocking down beige coloured water and then wanting to beat yourself to death with the bottle? Ah, good times.
So let’s get this show on the road and show kale the door.
Let’s return to those golden, carefree days of yore and make this the summer of dirty eating.