A tough conversation held years ago at a BBQ came back to haunt me yesterday as I uncomfortably watched Rosie Batty, mother of murdered child Luke Batty, discussing changes to Victorian law that could make it a crime not to report child abuse.
On Channel 10 yesterday morning Studio 10 host Joe Hildebrand opened the discussion with this commentary:
“Obviously you can’t help but feel a huge amount of sympathy for anyone who’s in an abusive relationship but … you have to get out, you absolutely have to get out. There are huge economic costs associated with that, yes there are often other things, but anything is better than staying in an abusive relationship. Frankly, to say that you’re going to not report a case of child abuse or child sex abuse by your partner because you are scared for your own safety, I’m sorry, it is not an excuse.”
Ms Batty was extremely distressed by those comments.
“Joe, your comments are so, so misguided,” she said. “If you minimise how it feels to feel unsafe, and when we’re talking about unsafe, we’re talking about the risk to our lives, we’re talking about when women finally may decide to leave their partners they have the most risks.”
She went on to bravely explain that she had paid the ultimate price for leaving an abusive situation, the loss of her son. Anything was not better than ‘getting out’ for it resulted in death because that was the only way he could continue the abuse.
The most poignant part of the interview was when she simply stated ‘where can a woman go to be protected 24/7?’
It was at that point in the interview that my mind flew back to the conversation years ago in the back yard of suburban Brisbane with a policeman who dealt with domestic violence. This man had done two tours of duty with the army, he had seen things abroad in war that was and is horrific, but nothing he said was more horrific than domestic violence in this country. He had seen and dealt with things in his own back yard that frightened him more than in any war he had seen.
He went on to explain the toll of what his eyes had seen and how helpless he felt. The cycle in every abusive situation was similar. A call would be put to police in the height of the danger, but by the time the police would arrive the fear would have set in. The abuser effectively manipulated the situation and most times the front door would not even be opened to them even though they could smell the danger and devastation.
Sadly, he understood the plight of the abused. If the police can’t offer the complete safety of the mother and child, if protection cannot be guaranteed, then the fear for escalating the situation was worse. Make no mistake, that fear is not a black eye or a busted lip; it’s much, much worse. But in the sick cycle of helplessness, if no one goes on record to make a complaint, likewise nothing can be done.
When Rosie Batty challenged Joe Hilderbrand to educate himself more on domestic violence I applauded but at the same time I felt sadness because the only way for all of us to be educated is to be educated by those who have lived it and those who have lived it more often than not live in constant fear. Rosie Batty most probably wished she still lived in fear, but as she can’t – please continue to educate us so we can all as a society do better.
No one can understand or feel the fear until you have been through it and by then there’s usually the loss of lives. for Joe to say what he did he has never had fear but because of his remarks he could find it. I’m sorry he was the wrong person for that show.
I can understand the law that wants to protect the child against abuse and/or sex abuse. Rosie is still ‘to close’ to what has happened to herself. I was in a ‘mildly’ physically abusive second marriage but had the luck to get out after 2 years. Rosie got out, but she has said previously that her husband was mentally ill.
1. We need better help for the mentally ill, especially violent ones.
2. Don’t forget that even though it is mostly fathers are the abusers, mothers also go along with the sexual and other abuse of children and sometimes even participate! They are not going to care about this new law, as they do not care about their child. We have to get a license to drive so why not have a license & test for bringing up a child properly??!!
3. We should be taught in our early years that abusive parenting makes future abusive parents. It is a vicious circle that has to be broken, by every one. Relatives, neighbours and spouses all should start caring enough for each other to report suspect abuse of all kinds.
Thankyou for your very wise comments Catherine. x
Yes it’s hard but there are many agencies who are willing and able to assist. There are emergency payments available through centrelink. I work with victims od domestic violence and its a pattern, but when we place someone, organise work, food, schools, cash etc and the aggrieved goes back it gets frustrating. Abuse against children must be reported if women can’t save themselves then save your children. DV damages children physically, psycholgically and emotionally and perpetuates the cycle. And yes I have been in a violent relationship and moved on and now assist others to get out. I think Joe is right sexual abuse against children is never okay.
yes think it is very sad ,when you find yourself in an abusive relationship & you don’t know what to do or who to turn to.I myself was in one.it was very hard for me to say anything to my family and friends.as he was very charming to them and used money as a way of controlling you.he was very mind abusing ,that made it very difficult for me to have any confidence in myself .i just thank god i had a couple of very good friends and two very close family members.It is good to know there are groups out there to these days.but it’s hard to get the courage to fight when you’ve been battered in more ways than one. you’ve just gotta keep telling yourself you are better than them and that your worth it. And seek help from anyone you can even strangers.As no one has the wright to batter anyone.
No one can comment on domestic violence unless they have lived through it, You think that you are in a loving partnership, built up to feel so secure, and gradually without even being aware of it, you are controlled and manipulated until one day you wake up feeling as if there is something wrong with the situation, by the time it becomes clear that the situation is out of control, the perpitrator already has the compete control of you. I was in this situation 30 years ago, and when I realised what was happening, I did everything I could to leave, and every time I did, when I stanrted to feel save in my new job, home and that my baby son and I could start to relax. Then one day I would come home and my husband would be in my new home, waiting, then I would be beaten so bad and my son would be threatened, I would live through anything to protect my son. This happened at least 14 times and the police could not do anything to protect us, they kept telling me that they needed prove, how much prove did they need, I had broken ribs, jaw and was covered in bruises.
Eventually I managed to form a friendship with a friend from work, who was much stronger than I was by this stage (I had no confidence and by now was believeing that no one else would ever love me- constantly being belitted and told this). I left my husband and went home to my parents, they didn’t believe me either (which made it very hard). They told my husband where I was and I suppose lucky for me, because then he came to get me and his control slipped and he beat me in front of my parents and they called the police. Finally someone else was able to be a witness and after three broken ribs, broken arm, jaw and many more bruises, I was able to start the divorce proceedings.
It didn’t stop there, my husband, kidnapped my son and I had to get a private investigator and find him and then years of court battles, but after six years I was able to remove this man out of our lives. He gave up and started a new relationship and eventually had other children, it was at this point that he told my son ” I have a daughter, I don’t need a useless son”, my son was by now 7 years old. It hurt hi greatly but at least I still have my son.
Joe hilderbrand has absolutley no idea of what he is talking about and should refrain from comment on what he doesn’t understand. No one wants to be in a violent situation if given a choice we would run a million miles, but you don’t see it coming and ask any policeman, they will tell you its always the same, Rich, smart, dumb or poor any one of us could find ourselves in this situation and you will do anything to survive, and if that means putting up with the abuse to protect your children that is what most of us do.
So sad to hear of your experience however it is appropriate that you share because people who have never experienced this horror have no idea. Joe H has no clue that a person who has promised to love, honour and cherish you has no intention of doing so and he probably cannot imagine how the violence and manipulation starts. He like others needs to be educated by survivors.
No-one – no-one! can understand what it is like to be in an abusive situation unless you have been there yourself. ‘Normal” people do not understand and cannot believe that abusers are so nasty, so manipulative, so vicious and then so violent. I am an intelligent, educated woman who had a great career and even now I cannot believe how I came to be at the lowest point ever in my life as a victim of domestic violence. It is a slow insidious process that occurs over time. Once you realise that you are there, you cannot believe it. By this time, the abuser has control of your finances, controls your money, controls who you associate with and has effectively lowered your self esteem to that of a potato. Research and speak with women who have been in this situation. Do not judge them. Do not jail them. Jail the goddam abusers who call them crazy women.
We all need a tender loving care, not a violence. Unfortunately, some abusers are super … liars. No one could believe what victims for DV have gone through, and also they judge the book by its cover.
Common DV victims! If you could not get help from somewhere, then be strong and stand up for yourselves. A very short distant mistake would cost you a thousand miles.
No matter how many times, or to whom you tell your story, not even a royal commission will help people understand domestic abuse. Until the exact right moment, or circumstances have it, sometimes its safer to stay. I’ve just unleashed the fury in my abuser by getting out & I haven’t got anything of substance to prove it. I already have a restraining order, I don’t feel safer at all, & what he is subtly doing is insidious, isolating & making me wish I stayed & planned it better. I’m losing credibility & support from people that know us, while he gains power. Every person he ‘wins over’ is like another weight to his strength & in his mind justifies his thoughts, & will be the force of which he will come at me when he gets the opportunity. I would never have married him if he was remotely disrespectful. I did not deserve this or cause it & now our children are in danger, before he just took it out on me. I cannot get full custody & look like a vindictive ex for family court, he will have the kids on his own & I cant be there to protect them. Ignorant people break my heart & my resolve.