We love a good Mummy mantle don’t we? The minute something comes screaming out of your body you are instantly branded as one type of mum or another

For example I am a natural birth, no drugs, holy sheezuz I don’t actually want to do that again Mum…Take the next step and you are a Breast or Bottle Mum. An Attachment Parent. A Save our Sleep lover…and the list goes on and on. Just when I thought it might end at the school gate I discovered last week that it doesn’t.

Popular blogger Bern Morley wrote about the types of school Mum’s you will encounter at the front gate. Now although Bern wrote it tongue in cheek, her tone missed the mark with some. I must admit even I at first thought, “hey! That’s a bit harsh, aren’t we are all just finding our way? And wow, mothers actually have time to judge other mothers at the school gate?’ I’m all quick kid get IN there, I got life to live and bills to pay.

You can read more of Berns Musings here but in a nutshell she identified 6 types of school gate Mum’s and why you should avoid them. Mostly her reasons were because they were just annoying. To Bern, not me. But I think Bern is just not seeing the right picture and if she changes her view, it may make her appreciate the mothers of her kid’s peers. I was compelled to write a right of reply on behalf of branded mothers everywhere, including me.

I prefer to take the view that all types of Mum’s make the world go round. If we were all the same that would be boring. Each different style of mother has a special role to play in the life of my daughter. From learning to be fit and healthy, to volunteering, to looking after her skin and appearance, and organising fun times.

So let’s go.

1. The Mumzilla: Mumzillas usually roam in packs but always have a distinct leader. She will be the one that organises where coffee will take place directly after the bell has sounded and she is the one that decides who is allowed to join in their group.

RE-BRAND: Captain of Fun and Games. Someone needs to do it, lord knows I’m too busy and love someone to create fun times and places for me and my kids. Oh, and just ask to be in the group. You will probably find she will be glad to have more people to make a party. How harsh can a Mummy hazing be? Skull a hot coffee? Bring it!

2. The Avon Mum: This Mum acts normal if not a little too friendly. She even invites you over for a fun ‘girls’ night. Next thing you know you’re sitting in a trust circle testing out overpriced plastic ware, lashtastic mascara and environmentally friendly cleaning products.

RE-BRAND: Mrs Entrepreneur. The mum always having a crack, a go, but more importantly trying her best to earn money the best way she can for her kids. Her hard work teaches my daughter to work hard. Plus shopping after hours is the only way my kid gets quality plastic ware, otherwise she’s more likely to have lunch squished in the bottom of her festering bag.

3. The Gym Mum: This Mum is fairly self-involved so don’t worry about being accosted or invited into her group. No, she has some fairly heavy duty treadmill action awaiting her as evidenced by the lycra outfit and visor she sports daily.

RE-BRAND: Health and Fitness Guru. Leads by example, she makes fitness look fun, I don’t, I look like I am dying…my daughter needs someone to inspire her and let her know she isn’t going to die if she goes for a run!

4. The Over-volunteerer: You will find this Mum in your child’s classroom, passive aggressively noting that she’s ‘not seen you in the classroom before’, or in the Tuckshop ordering you to chop the lettuce faster, or at the P & C committee meeting stamping documents aggressively.

RE-BRAND: The Make-a-difference Mum. In a busy world, this mum doesn’t let one thing or another stop her from giving back to the community. We should all volunteer to something at some point. It’s good for the soul. But while she is….I’m off the hook for a bit.

5. The Quinoa Mum: This Mother will be at the ready to discuss with you the correct way to pronounce ‘Quinoa’, her stand-up home birth, and the benefits of a lunchbox based entirely on kale-based snacks. You will of course pretend that the kid in the corner eating a packet of Samboys has nothing to do with you.

RE-BRAND: Mrs Make Peace not War. Yes she is a bit hippy, but she looks at the world so differently to me that I find her refreshing and I learn from her…so does my daughter when she tries her quinoa/acai/kale cookies…Yum…eeeee…..

6. The Red Carpet Mum: This mother is intimidating and actually, is often be really nice but it just looks like she’s out of your league. These Mums who also gather in groups, appear to be about to attend an event that will also be attended by George Clooney, and it’s only 8:45am.

RE-BRAND The I take care of myself, as I should because no-one else does because I’m the Mum Mum. Whether you could be bothered making an effort every day or just on special occasions, this mum reminds me to take care of myself when parenting gets me down, a blow dry and a manicure cures the mummy blues and is a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy.

Don’t avoid types of mum’s at the school gate – get to know them. Who knows what their truth may be? They may be just like you, wanting acceptance, love and a laugh doing the most boring and stressful bloody things in the world…..dropping the kids to school.